My son saved me

So yesterday was my baby’s first birthday. Currently I am sitting here watching him play with his big sister. And I can’t help but be amazed at the timing of his arrival and marvel at how he actually saved me.

He was wanted for years, we tried and tried for 2 years and getting pregnant just wasn’t happening. It was so weird to me because I had 2 other kids and I knew that I could get pregnant and couldn’t figure out why this time was any different. It was frustrating and confusing and honestly, I was almost ready to give up and say oh well. I mean I already had 1 boy and 1 girl but I just wanted one more so badly that it was hard for me to give in to that. And then it happened. I took a pregnancy test and low and behold I was pregnant.

The wait was over.

I was so happy and I had this little picture of what my family would be like, 3 kids, 2 parents and just a happy busy household. But boy was I wrong.

Let’s fast forward to the fall when I was 8 1/2 months pregnant. One day my world crashed in around me. I got some news that was earth shattering. The kind of news that makes you question your value and worth, the kind of news that makes you question if there is anyone who loves you, the kind of news that makes your mind spin so fast that you are racing to keep up and it never seems to be enough…

…I’m talking news that changes everything.

In the midst of this overwhelming change in my life, I was still pregnant. About 10 days after this news was dropped on me, I had a little baby boy. And boy did that save me.

You see, although I already had 2 kids, they were older, they were able to get dressed, go to the bathroom, eat etc on their own. And yes they needed me, but they weren’t dependant on me in the same way as this new little life was.

I had to keep going. I couldn’t give in to my feelings, or the desire to just stay in bed and hide from the world because there were people and one in particular who needed me.

As this last year has gone, I have watched him grow, I have cried because my plans for his entry into this world were turned upside down and I couldn’t save him from a terrible situation, but, I have also been able to experience joy as I watch him grow and change. Every time he smiles at me or giggles at something little that I take for granted, every time he lays his head on my shoulder and falls asleep I am reminded that life isn’t all bad.

He has helped me to see good in a time in my life when it would have been easy to see only the opposite. He has reminded me how to live.

Please don’t misunderstand each of my kids has given me something, they have each helped me in ways that they will never understand. I love each of them deeply and differently. But today is about my baby.

He is the the one who forced me to get up in the mornings. He is the one who brought comfort to me when I was crying at night. He is the one who saved me.

He will never understand how his entry into this world changed me in deep and powerful ways.

So here’s to him. Here’s to a big life, a life full of passion, and a life that leads him into more opportunities to impact others in the same way he impacted me. Happy Birthday little buddy!

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